depression/anger/self hate after abortion? please read. :/

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sorry that this is so long.

i had a medical abortion in september. me and my boyfriend had only been together for 3 months.

i had always been completely against having children. i just didn't want any. then when i fell pregnant, everything changed, i wanted to keep the baby. maybe my maternal isntinct kicked in or something. but i genuinely cared for what was inside of me. 

i'm not going to paint my boyfriend in a bad light here. he did kind of push me a little to have the abortion, he said it was for the best. he didn't want to have a child when he couldn't provide support, he is currently studying at uni as am i. eventually, i made the decision to hae an abortion. it all happened so fast, i found out and then a few days later i've made an appointment. i became completely numb to the situation and just went with it. i expressed to my boyfriend how i felt when i first found out. after that, i didn't even talk about it, neither of us did we just carried on as normal.

i took the first pill, my boyfriend came with me. he asked me how i was then he went off and got on with his day. i took the second pill the day after, he stayed with me during the physical process. he asked me how i felt. i didn't know, i said i felt relieved. i think at first i did. and we went on our ways as if it never happened. we literally just didn't speak of it at all.

so nearly 5 months have passed and i have gone through so many emotions. i have felt upset, i have felt guilty. i began to resent my boyfriend, i blamed him for putting pressure on me. i blamed him for not supporting me emotionally. i feel like he thought that once it was over, that was it. but it wasn't for me. i think about it everyday, i torture myself with it. i replay it all in my head; the day i found out, taking the pills, the pain i went through. i imagine the pain the foetus went through. it makes me feel so sick.

i have kinda stopped resenting him in some ways. he was scared. and i was responsible too, in no way did he force me to have the abortion. if i said i didn't want one, he wouldn't have forced me to. he would probably have broke up with me out of fear, but i know he wouldn't have forced me to have it. so i have accepted that i am part responsible for the decision.

but i can't deal with that. i am getting so angry and i literally hate myself. i get to angry at the awful decision i made and then i eventually cry. i have had thoughts of hurting myself when the anger and emotion becomes too much. i haven't as of yet. 

i'm exhausted all the time. i feel like i can't talk to my boyfriend about it. i have brought it up a few times but i just feel guilty. i feel like i should be over it by now, he seems fine, why aren't i? i feel like a burden to him so i never bring it up. but at the same time, i get angry because i just wish that he would be there for me. i wish he'd listen, i wish he'd hold me. i wish he'd tell me how he feels/felt about it. but how can he listen to me if i don't say anything? i'm getting mad at him for something he has no idea about.

i'm honestly fed up and want this feeling to go away. i feel like i need to grive but i don't know how. i don't feel that i even have a right to grieve. i didn't lose anything, i voluntarily gave it up. i killed by baby. i'm a murderer. murderers do not deserve to grieve. every time i get close to feeling upset, i get angry at myself because i don't deserve to feel sadness. i'm a terrible person.

i honestly can't see a way past this. and i'm getting so mad at my boyfriend when he doesn't even have a clue what is going through my head. he's not a mind reader. but i can't find a way to bring it up. i cannot talk about it, but i need to. there's so much i want us to talk about. i want him to help me through it and be there for me. but he's over it now. i don't think it affected him at all. but at the same time, not once did i ever ask him how he was feeling. 

i hate myself. i'm done here.

4 likes, 20 replies

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  • Posted

    Hello Justine,

    Just reading what you have written makes my heart break for you,you sound like your giving yourself a pretty hard time.You defiantly need to speak with someone and get yourself some help and I would suggest opening up to your boyfriend as a first step as you said he does not know so how can he listen and offer his help if you don't open up,secondly you need to go speak with some kind of councillor or if not try make a call to the Samaritans, it will do you the world to talk,anyway,I wish you well

  • Posted

    Hi justine,

    Everyone makes mistakes we are human beings.You were not ready for that situation and that was the solution that you found at that moment.You don't need to blame yourself and hate yourself,it is nobody's fault ,just sometime we have to make choices that are so hard for us.Everybody is saying that is against abortion and I am too,but I don't know how I will react in this situation, I was never on that situation,may be I will be afraid like you.Were can't control our emotions. Just try not to think on this anymore.You are young ,just live life.I know how it feels I blame myself for my father's death everyday that I was not there that I could help him but that is destiny and we should go on .we should live I wish you all the best and take care of yourself

  • Posted

    Hi justineclarice,

    Thank you for sharing.  I think it all boils down to actively putting what is in the past, into the past and refusing to think of it again.  You could beat yourself up until the day you die, or you could find the way to store this life event on a shelf in your mind where it will no longer eat away at you day after day.  My favorite words are, " It Is As It Is"  

    I do however feel that you should cut your ties with this boyfriend.  He will always represent a reminder and then the blame game will continue.  I was married to a man and became unexpectedly pregnant and my husband pressured me to get an abortion, but I refused.  I paid the price of refusal.  He beat me up when I was five months pregnant and beat me up again 5 months after giving birth.  I got away from him.  And raised a daughter who ended up with all of his bad traits and has lived a hard life that disappoints me.

    So, you just never know which outcome would have been best, but what you do know is that you made a choice and it is over.  Men cannot have a clue as to what we women go through when it comes to pregnancy.  So he cannot give you what he knows nothing about.  

    Please love yourself again.  You are really all you have here on earth.  You have the right to BE,  The right to exist.  The right to love yourself. The right to be loved.  The right to love.  What is done is done.  Period.  The land of "IF" does not exist.  Try some meditaion to help calm down.  Read self help books, listen to motivational speaking.  Do everything you can to input positive energy into your brain and body.  Full body massage helps to reconnect yourself with your body and emotions.  

    You can make it through this.  I promise.

    Warm hugs

    Dawn, USA

     

    • Posted

      believe me i have tried putting it in the past and not thinking about it again, it's jsut resutled in me repressing my feelings and they're now 100x worse. i can't just not deal with this

      i love my boyfriend very much and don't want to leave him because of this. i guess i can't have it both ways but either way, with or without him i'm still going to feel guilty and angry etc

      i honestly can't love myself, i don't think i ever will. i know the decision i made was for the best but i don't feel that it makes it right to end a life just because we weren't ready or even that i wasn't ready

    • Posted

      Oops, I did not express myself well on that point.  I do not mean repress, but to do everything you can to process it properly so that you can store it on a shelf in your mind where it cannot erode your inner life  on a daily basis.  Hence, read self help books...etc.., and what ever else you can do to put it behind you.  Relaxation techniques, mindfulness training, meditation.  We all respond to different methods.  I read a library of self help books for my problems, exercise, body massage, meditation as well as therapy with a counselor.  I agree with dylanpatrick also on that point. The point of doing all that you can to put this behind you is so that you can be happy again.

      We all do something in our lives that we wish we had not done, but we must push on.  We can choose to not let it live to destroy us every day.    We can choose our inner talk, that tape that plays over and over in our minds.  We can change the way we write our life story.  We can hold ourselves accountable for our choices, which is healthy, but if we shoot ourselves in the foot continually over it, then that is unhealthy.

      There is hope and I want you to seek the ways to reach it.  For me it helps to put new knowledge into my brain, then I begin to see everything in a new light of possibilities instead of feeling trapped forever by my thoughts and feelings.

      You are on my heart.  I do not believe for one minute that you want to hate yourself and punish yourself forever, because you wrote this post crying for help.  So, this is a very good sign!  You my dear are on the brink of a new chapter in your life just as soon as you can close this chapter.

      Lastly, here is one of my favorite sayings about human nature:

      " We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.  Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change."

      Quote from Henry Cloud

      Warm hugs

       

    • Posted

      Hi I really feel for you and understand how you feel.   There is much debate on when life begins with many believing that a foetus isn't a human being yet,  only when it is fully formed.  

      No one likes the idea of abortion but it does come down to the choice and control a women should have over her own body.  I do believe that the woman's needs outweigh the needs of the foetus and her body is her own to do with what she pleases.   From what I have heard the foetus isn't capable of feeling pain and I do believe that to be true.  

      You as a fully functioning human being do feel pain and you have to go with what is right for you.  It is your body and your control.   

      I have never had an abortion but know quite a few women who have and it is normal to grieve and you need to let the grief out.  I think you have got stuck in the grieving process and need the help of therapy to move on.  

      It doesn't work putting it in the past and forgetting about it and that is never going to happen.  You will always remember but you have to remember too that you have the right to exercise full control over your own body which you did.    Seek help please.  x 

       

  • Posted

    I agree with dylanpatrick that you need to talk with a counsellor or the samaritians. Talking through your emotions will be a release. The samaritians are always accessable, maybe ask for a female, nothing against men but a female will have a better understanding of how you are feeling. In time the guilt will erode and you will forgive yourself. Until you can forgive yourself, which will take time, you will go over it time and time again. You will never forget the descion you made made but you will learn to live with it. I know that i have made descions that was wrong and they have affected not just me. I cannot change the past, what is done is done, it took me a long time to forgive myself. Forgiveness is the only way to let go. None of us is perfect, we are all human. Talk to someone, it will be confidential and non biased.

                  

  • Posted

    Hi honey

    please don't keep punishing yourself. What you have been through is very traumatic and of course you should allow yourself time to grieve. We can all try and take the moral high ground on abortion, but what purpose does that serve. sometimes we can do things through ignorance or in haste and truly regret it after.

    your boyfriend may be too immature in his thinking, to appreciate the pain and anguish you are going through.

    God will look after your baby (I honestly believe this) now you have got to start healing yourself.

    Many moons ago, I did the same thing as you, at this time, I prayed for forgiveness and knew the life that would have been, was now in God's care. You can't continue to punish yourself as you will make yourself very unwell.

    I think you should write down how you feel and give it to your boyfriend. Sometimes it's easier this way, then trying to verbally say how you feel.

    you are not an awful person, you do have the right to grieve for your loss. We all make decisions or do things we regret deeply. Learn from it, never place yourself in a situation where it could be repeated. I prayed so hard to god all those years ago. It helped and I knew somehow I was forgiven. I don't know if you have religious beliefs, if you do, pray from the heart and you will be amazed!

    Much love to you

    Lorraine ♥♥

    • Posted

      Thank you very much.

      I am not religious so I cannot seek any comfort there.

      However I really appreciate your lovely comment and for taking the time to read my post. I will definitely try to write down my feelings to show my boyfriend. Maybe once they're written down and he's read it I will find it easier to open up. Maybe he will too.

      Thank you again Lorraine xxx

  • Posted

    You have to get past it. Its done. Going forward obviously be careful and protection. Im wondering if you can go to church and talk this out with someone. Maybe you would feel better that way. I would hope they can guide you you better.you can bring you boyfriend with you to church. I think thats the only answer here to help you get past this. if you took the pill so early on it wasnt a baby yet. 
    • Posted

      I'm not religious. So going to church won't help me.

      And it doesn't matter how early on I was. It could have been a baby but I took that away.

    • Posted

      Hi ♥

      Sorry I couldn't help. I wasn't suggesting you attend church. I don't go myself. I was more thinking in the confines of your home. I am not judging you for your actions or beliefs, just hoping for you to forgive yourself.

      Other people here have made some very good suggestions, please speak to someone, rather than bottling up your feelings

      god bless ♥

    • Posted

      It was in reply to lisalisa67

      But thank you for not judging me and also thank you for being so kind to me smile I feel a little bit better after this post, yours and everyone else's comments. And I am going to seek help that is available and hopefully learn to love myself again. Xxxxxx

    • Posted

      You sound like an amazing young lady ♥

      Glad you are going to speak to someone. Don't forget you need to also let your boyfriend know, how this had left you feeling.

      BIG yes to loving yourself! ♥♥♥♥♥

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